January 24, 2009

The Bennifers of the Apocalypse

During a recent domestic flight, I walked into a hudson news (or one of its ilk) to purchase a magazine that I would probably be embarrassed to admit I purchased.  Modern Watch Envy? Small Business Jet Strivings quarterly? PC Magazine? Who knows....what I purchased wasn't the point, just that I was in that store, in line, waiting. 

It was in Denver, and the snows or anything hadn't started. About as normal a day in a plane as you can imagine. A minimum of security pat-downs, no weather to speak of. Bad food which I've been trying to avoid lately. The stroll through the in-motion store to see what Archos is hawking, etc.. 

So, what made this particular vendor of magazines stand out? Yes, my dear readers, the clientele:

In front of me was a woman making her own embarrassing magazine purchase. But her total cost was , well, Satanic. Yes, her register reciept came to the dreaded six dollars and sixty six cents. Yes, hers was clearly the People magazine purchase of the beast. He who will not be named but who is known as the light bringer and the lord of all that is dark decided that day, in denver, was to be where he would plant his seed of evil, in that point of sale machine, that evil, toxic combination of airport ripoff and sales tax that would come to $6.66 cents. That brangelina of doubt of the purity of the One. 

"Oh no.", the woman said,"I can't pay that. Six sixty six. Nuh uh...", she looked at me as if to say "Can you imagine! Six sixty six!". What weapon could she bring to bear against the dark one, the guardian of unholy? How to defeat the Bennifer of the apocalypse? Would she take the road of greed and add a copy of Fortune to her tab? Envy, perhaps, adding a lucky magazine? Would she walk the path of righteousness and simply leave behind satan's package of evil and destruction, no doubt saving countless other innocents that might have to fly with our unlucky hero and then could indulge in a heathly amount of stoic pride? No, that's not what happened.

She opted for gluttony: "Pass me that Godiva bar." 

*ping* *ting* *ting* 

"That will be $8.49 please", said Satan's succubus of magazines and chocolate.

Our warrior for the holy ghost, the trinity and the spirt paid, left the store, with 400 more calories to engage in the fight against the devil. We are truly saved. And what, pray tell, did our benighted servant of Satan, lord of lies,  say to me, who stood mute while this transaction between good and evil, dark and light, southurn home and dwell occurred?

"Just those two magazines, sir?"

"Yes, just these.", I replied.

Temptress of knowledge, begone! I emerged, soul likely intact, from the hudson news , to make my way east across the heartland.


Bill said...

What is your definition of "Bennifer"? The traditional meaning: a yuppie couple reminiscent of Ben and J. Lo, but I'm not sure that meaning fits this context.

You used the word in the title so I thought it was important enough to query.

Emily said...


Chris DiBona said...

I'm using Bennifer to describe any celebrity couple that might end up on the cover of a people, us weekly, etc...

Anonymous said...

this definitely needs to go in the next edition of bruce napoleon.

Olzen said...

I learnt a lesson from this incident: I need to be ready to face such people like this in your post. Thanks.

Dave said...

Once when I moved and got a new phone number I was offered one with three 6's, and despite not being religious I told the person that surely I can't have the number of the devil and got a new number. I think I was affected by watching The Omen when young.

Amanda Crowe said...

i'm really annoyed because i have a lit sac on wednesday which is supposed to be a comparison between heart of darkness and apocalypse now but i don't know what to write about and this is getting me extremely irritated.