January 9, 2008

Ph33r the Cut3 ones

So, remember all those children's stories and cartoons that portray nice, woodland creatures as gentle, loving, wouldn't-hurt-a-fly entities with only the best interests of humanity in their hearts?

It's a dirty, filty lie.

First, Deer attack me on route 50, as detailed here a few years back. Now, dive bombing suicide squirrels. Let me expand, I was walking to my car and under a bough of trees. Nice shady oaks.

I hear a rustle. I think....hmm, getting pooed on by a bird would suck, so I'm not going to stand under this tree. The birds in the neighborhood have a history of, I kid you not, attacking my car mirrors and windshield wipers. Seriously annoying, even if they don't do much damage past a few paint chips taken out and mirrors that need cleaning.

But I digress, back to the suicide squirrels....

So I'm walking, having swerved to not be under the tree when I hear a solid, meaty "whack!" not 3 feet from me where I had been standing. There was the aformentioned squirrel. A dark mottled brown/black fat little bastard with a penchant for murder and evil in his acorn addicted heart. He was fine. He looked at me, hissed and ran back up the tree, no doubt to prepare for the next victim, likly an orphan, a nun, a girl scout selling cookies, or an orphan nun cookie selling girl scout.

Anyhow, I survived this assault, but so did my nemesis. Is a vicious, hateful, painful altercation predestined? Will I come home with the wounds and scratches of domination or the full stomach of victory? Only time will tell. I suspect that, like GLaDOS, I will be still alive.

(I found the drunk evil squirrel photo on the internet. And , yes, I finished Portal, it was awesme and amazing and perfect)

(the cake is a lie)


kimbalina said...

The animals must know something the rest of us don't about you...

Be careful! :)

KG Lew One Year Millionaire said...

That is quite the cute pic over there ... is that a beer bottle? lol